"Suit sale" text convo with Megan

This would be me in the scenario

Megan: JOS. A. BANK is having a huge sale! All suits are 70% off!!! I know where you'll be tonight!

Me: Shut. Your. MOUTH. 70%?!? Lmao

Megan: Yes! Not as good as buy one get one but holy shit!!!!!

BACKSTORY: Megan and I were watching TV one day when a commercial advertising a suit sale came on and I asked her what she would do if I burst through our apartment door--wearing a man's suit and carrying three others--yelling about how great the sale was and showing off my new cuff links.  I can't remember her response but we haven't looked at a suit commercial the same ever since. 

"Manila envelope" text convo with David

I could have attached a boring manila envelope but found this RANDOM gem instead.  You're welcome.

Me: Can u believe andrew was at the 9ers game?? Awesome

David: Oh he didn't tell me wow

Me: Oh.  Don't tell him I told u.  He cllllllearly wanted to keep that news from u...and only u.

David: Ohhh ur in deep shit now tawnia.  Here comes the blackmail!

Me: LMAO.  U wouldn't DARE.

David: It seems you don't really know me.  Expect an overnight manila package tuesday....with VERY explicit instructions.

Me: HAHAHA too good.

David: You think I'm kidding?

Me: Careful.  I'm sure I can put together a manila package for you too...and mine will reach u faster (chicago postal service diss...they really r the worst though...tbh lol)

David: a) you'd prolly be doing me a favor b) you don't know where my gf lives and c) just make sure to tape the top down bc the postal service hates the little metal clasp fyi

Me: HA! I'm not sending anything to monica.  I have a much bigger target in mind.

David: LOLOLOL I can only imagine.

"Madagascar" text convo with Rachel

Me: We're watching madagascar at work...terrible movie really...but the part where the lion looks out the plane window & sees the little bush baby clinging to the jet engine that's on fire HAHAHA omg it kills me

Me: Really any scene with the bush baby...let's be honest. He needs his own movie.

Rachel: Hahahaha i remember him. Don't tempt them though, they gave the penguins a tv show, and it was no good

"Poker Night" text convo with David and Andrew

Me: DAVID!!! We're having poker night and found this GEM u wrote.  LOVVVVVESSSS IT.

David: LOLOL tell her she owes approx 27, 238 bux

Andrew: Haha that belongs in a museum.

"Gary's a chicken!" text convo with Emily

Emily: Gary's a chicken!

Me: What is that from? Lol

Emily: That commercial! We used to die laughing! It's for a video game or something!

Me: Bahhhh it sounds familiar but I don't remember!

Emily: Look it up. I could smack u

Me: HAHAHA I will

BACKSTORY: So I found it and the camera man's reaction STILL gets me all these years later. I also love that he's definitely saying "Jerry" not "Gary."

"SEO/SEM" text convo with David

David: I got a job.  I have officially become a zombie person....lol

Me: Oh yeah? Where at?

David: Small local place.  It's doing seo/sem stuff mostly.

Me: Idk what seo/sem is but congrats! That's awesome.

David: Lol thx.  Search engine optimization and marketing.

Me: Oh of course loll

David: Tbh you shoulda known

Me: Hmmmmm debatable.  I'll ask around.  U may be the only one who calls it that.

David: LOLOLOL no seo is the terminology.  But I just wrote that really as a reference to that time I wrote tbh and you didn't know what I meant.

Me: Wow. So much thought put into one text.

David: I'm just quick like that...too bad you were just too slow to get it...

Me: Whoa.  The jury is still out on whether its even an annogram.  Don't flatter urself.

I don't know this man but I'd be willing to bet he, too, uses terms like "SEO" and "SEM"

"Open Heart Collection" text convo with Megan

Megan: Look what beautiful ornament I found :)

Me: LMAO!!! NOOOOOO where did u find that?!?

Megan: Hahaha at a store in NC.  It's a whole "open heart" series of ornaments.

Me: Omfg that woman doesn't stop!!

Megan: I was so tempted to buy it for you but I figured I probably shouldn't contribute to that woman's awful idea and artwork!

Me:  It's so funny u say that bc when I showed my mom ur pic she said she had ALMOST bought me the necklace as a gag gift this year but couldn't spend the $ for something I'd NEVER wear

BACKSTORY: A hobby of mine and Megan's is referencing this dreadful collection and the even worse commercial where we're forced to watch Jane Seymour draw her design over and over (and over) again for no apparent reason.  Seriously, what is she doing with those drawings?!?

"Saturday Paul" text convo with Maryam

Me: [pic sent] Look what Saturday Paul did

Maryam: Hahah awesome.  Oh wow...the base isn't even against the wall! And the bowl is on the floor...HAHAHA love it.  I guess tequila makes paul hulk.

Me: HAHAHA right??  I heard it & was like paul what'd u do? He's like nothin & I round the corner to find that...LAST thing I expected.  I like to imagine he was like "fuck this sink!"

Maryam: Hahahaha..Lets see his reaction in the morning...When the sink is suddenly much lower.

Me: HAHAHA I fucking can't wait.  I wish I had a camera.  I should just sleep in the shower.

BACKSTORY: My roommate Paul earned the nickname "Saturday Paul" when he put on an AMAZING show for all of us at a Saturday Cubs game after 5-too-many jack & cokes.