"Proactive" text convo with Paul

Me: They were like "howd your face get so clear?" and I was like "proactive" and they were like "no" and I was like "yes"

Paul: Haha great story Tawnia

BACKSTORY: My text is a quote taken directly from a girl's confessional in the new Proactive commercial Paul and I watched.  Shocking when you see how AMAZING their other ads are (see left).

"Hijacked" text convo with my dad

Dad: Huskies are playing Mizzou in softball today

Me: Yeah. Rachel told me. Did you see the bball score ;(

Dad: No but I just saw MU won 2-0 to give the huskies their first loss

Me: Haha nice. Well we lost by 1pt to KU today in OT so I'm glad one team prevailed.  I guess we were up 12 at halftime.

Rachel (from Dad's phone): Boo you whore, how dare you mar our record! I hope you can live with yourself knowing you broke my heart.  Also, that bball game sounds rough, I'm sorry for your loss.

FOLLOW-UP: My dad had handed over his phone because he was driving so when Rachel handed it back with a weird little smirk he thought it was odd.  I honestly thought he had typed the text in an attempt to use "hip language" he learned somewhere so I called to get some clarification.  We both died laughing.  Well played Rachel...well played.

"Jessica Lange" text convo with Rachel

I think this Oscar may have gotten to her head. 

Rachel: I can't... I can't... I CANNOT pay attention in class...

Me: LMAO!!! Soooo well played I can't even handle it.

BACKSTORY: There is a scene in "The Vow" where Jessica Lange (who plays Rachel McAdam's mother in the film) delivers a monologue that starts as a whispered "I can't" and escalades into "I can't...I CANNOT!"  She's on her knees in the garden, crying and raising her fists in the air and choking back the words.  If you've seen it, you know it's over-the-top unnecessary; and, if you're like my sister and I, you died laughing.

"The Vow" text convo with Rachel

Me: Soooo I think I may have to screen "the vow" for us bc our movie is sold out :( Would that break ur heart? I'll see it again if it's good

Rachel: WHAT! Rude. I turned down someone for you!

Me: Haha u know I would have waited but Safe House was sold out & they forced me in line to choose that or that sci fi one ;( it was so rough rech. Lol I was bullied in public at 27

Rachel: Rude.  I was in Canada so my phone was off, I'm so sad I wasn't there to defuse this bomb you just dropped on me.  Ooo safe house was good.

Me: It was?? We debated waiting for 2 hours but the girl in front of us said it was terrrrrrrrrible (she said it like that).  I will see the vow again.  It's no notebook but it wasn't dear john either.  Ur probably in line to see it right now huh?

Rachel: Getting popcorn as we speak

Me: HAHA knew it! Ur an animal

Rachel: Loll. So it's worth seeing again?

Me: Yeah.  I still want to see it with you.  And mom is in too.  She was like "yep, I'm in" before she knew anything about it LOL

Rachel:  Sounds about right.  She trusts you.  We should take advantage of that at some point.

Me: HAHA it's true.  I could lure her anywhere.

Rachel: Precisely.

"Room Raiders" text convo with Carissa

Me: Just remembered that time you & I burst into that apt above yours and you yelled out "RUMORS!!" instead of "ROOM RAIDERS!!" HAHA omg I love it so much

Carissa: LOL!!! And then that boomer guy literally threw us out the door!!  And then it was either you or me that got stuck in there?

Me: HAHAHA yessss!!  We were both stuck in there but then u literally got manhandled out the door and like shoved to the ground again

Carissa:  I remember being a little hurt!

Me: HAHA omg I love it.

BACKSTORY:  Breaking into neighboring apartments and impersonating the characters on MTV's Room Raiders show was one of the many "good ideas" Carissa and I had junior year of college after a full night of drinking games.

"Bob Kraft" text convo with Justin

Me: Could that shot of the poor little kraft man have been any SADDER??? Omfg that broke my heart LOL

Justin: Hahaha! I just watched it now. So sad. What a crazy game.

Me: U saw the guy??

Justin: Kraft...yea. I love Eli..I'm happy.

Me: Yeah. Me too. But watching kraft was too much for me lol

Justin: Haha. I don't get why nobody was next to him...made it so much worse

Me: HAHA RIGHT??? And tell me u saw him sorta look to the heavens at one pt...no doubt talking to his wife...omg it was torture.

Justin: Hahahaha omg

"Meep the Bird" text convo with Justin

Me: My roommate & I are now following @meepthebird...he's the parrot that tweeted play-by-play of the puppy bowl...but I'm sure u knew that LOL

Justin: Hahaha imma need to research this

Me: Haha his tweets are things like "I like stickers"...paul tweeted him asking which puppy he thinks will be mvp.  He's like "if meep replies I'm adding it to my resume"

"5am" text convo with David

Me: U know what shit keeps me up at 5am?? Lol I'm sitting here thinking how embarrassing it was that I couldn't do an f-ing push-up that night at the bar when we were yelling "fist pump, push-up, chapstick!"  HAHA I need to get my ass to the gym annnnnd I need sleep

David: LOLOL I couldn't really either

"Glee" text convo with David

David: You missed glee.  They recreated michael jacksons I'm bad in a parking garage and all I could think is "how fucked up would I think these kids are if I'm just needing to park my car"

Me: Omg I would join them!

David: But you know you'd kinda be afraid at first

Me: Haha true.

David: Like omg are they gonna attack me?!? Then slowly start to realize: are they reenacting bad?

Me: LMAO!! Wait a second...is that the king of pop??

"Dog harness" text convo with Jamy

Jamy: Omg my friend just posted this photo of her dog in his new carseat/harness...

Jamy: He's like hanging there...strapped to the headrest...wtf!?!

Me: LMAO!!! Omg that's the greatest pic ever...no wayyyyy that's safe or comfortable for him!!

Jamy: He needs a helmet and goggles at that height!

Me: HAHAHA I love it so much.

Jamy: If you zoom in on it...it's like a tiger print body suit with four holes for the legs

Me: BAHAHA I didn't think it could get any more ridiculous!!

Jamy: And the way the straps are wrapped around the headrest looks a little MacGyver-ish...not what it was made for.

Me: LMAO! Macgyverish!

Jamy: Just sayin'

"Battle L.A." text convo with David

David: Hey have you seen battle: LA?

Me: No. I don't think I ever did.  No real interest in the world ending kinda movies.

David: Saw it last night. All I have to say is that it was a mini hereafter *see backstory below The guy spends 20 minutes dissecting the alien to find a "weak spot" to kill it.  He keeps ripping it open and stabbing diff parts but none kill it.  He yells in frustration something like: "How can we kill this thing!!" During the scene another soldier is fending off one that breached the building.  So he blows the thing up with a grenade launcher.  I immediately think well there seems to be a darn good solution right there that doesn't include walking up to them, ripping them apart and stabbing them.  Which I don't think they'll just let you do btw.

Me: LMAO!!! Omg that play by play just made my day. Sounds ridiculous!!

David: LOLOLOL I'm glad I could oblige.

BACKSTORY: David and I watched the movie "Hereafter" together.  And by "watched" I mean viciously ripped the storyline apart from start to finish.

"BJ's" text convo with Andrew

I sent this picture to Andrew back in July

And he found this one last night

Me: Hahaha yesssss. Nice find!

Andrew: I wonder if they deliver.

BACKSTORY: Last St. Patty's day, Andrew jokingly ordered a "BJ to-go" at The Golden Nugget pancake house (aka "The Nugg") after five-too many cocktails.  It didn't go over so well with our waitress but the four of us who witnessed it will forever LOVE that story.

"Suit sale" text convo with Megan

This would be me in the scenario

Megan: JOS. A. BANK is having a huge sale! All suits are 70% off!!! I know where you'll be tonight!

Me: Shut. Your. MOUTH. 70%?!? Lmao

Megan: Yes! Not as good as buy one get one but holy shit!!!!!

BACKSTORY: Megan and I were watching TV one day when a commercial advertising a suit sale came on and I asked her what she would do if I burst through our apartment door--wearing a man's suit and carrying three others--yelling about how great the sale was and showing off my new cuff links.  I can't remember her response but we haven't looked at a suit commercial the same ever since. 

"Manila envelope" text convo with David

I could have attached a boring manila envelope but found this RANDOM gem instead.  You're welcome.

Me: Can u believe andrew was at the 9ers game?? Awesome

David: Oh he didn't tell me wow

Me: Oh.  Don't tell him I told u.  He cllllllearly wanted to keep that news from u...and only u.

David: Ohhh ur in deep shit now tawnia.  Here comes the blackmail!

Me: LMAO.  U wouldn't DARE.

David: It seems you don't really know me.  Expect an overnight manila package tuesday....with VERY explicit instructions.

Me: HAHAHA too good.

David: You think I'm kidding?

Me: Careful.  I'm sure I can put together a manila package for you too...and mine will reach u faster (chicago postal service diss...they really r the worst though...tbh lol)

David: a) you'd prolly be doing me a favor b) you don't know where my gf lives and c) just make sure to tape the top down bc the postal service hates the little metal clasp fyi

Me: HA! I'm not sending anything to monica.  I have a much bigger target in mind.

David: LOLOLOL I can only imagine.

"Madagascar" text convo with Rachel

Me: We're watching madagascar at work...terrible movie really...but the part where the lion looks out the plane window & sees the little bush baby clinging to the jet engine that's on fire HAHAHA omg it kills me

Me: Really any scene with the bush baby...let's be honest. He needs his own movie.

Rachel: Hahahaha i remember him. Don't tempt them though, they gave the penguins a tv show, and it was no good

"Poker Night" text convo with David and Andrew

Me: DAVID!!! We're having poker night and found this GEM u wrote.  LOVVVVVESSSS IT.

David: LOLOL tell her she owes approx 27, 238 bux

Andrew: Haha that belongs in a museum.

"Gary's a chicken!" text convo with Emily

Emily: Gary's a chicken!

Me: What is that from? Lol

Emily: That commercial! We used to die laughing! It's for a video game or something!

Me: Bahhhh it sounds familiar but I don't remember!

Emily: Look it up. I could smack u

Me: HAHAHA I will

BACKSTORY: So I found it and the camera man's reaction STILL gets me all these years later. I also love that he's definitely saying "Jerry" not "Gary."

"SEO/SEM" text convo with David

David: I got a job.  I have officially become a zombie person....lol

Me: Oh yeah? Where at?

David: Small local place.  It's doing seo/sem stuff mostly.

Me: Idk what seo/sem is but congrats! That's awesome.

David: Lol thx.  Search engine optimization and marketing.

Me: Oh of course loll

David: Tbh you shoulda known

Me: Hmmmmm debatable.  I'll ask around.  U may be the only one who calls it that.

David: LOLOLOL no seo is the terminology.  But I just wrote that really as a reference to that time I wrote tbh and you didn't know what I meant.

Me: Wow. So much thought put into one text.

David: I'm just quick like that...too bad you were just too slow to get it...

Me: Whoa.  The jury is still out on whether its even an annogram.  Don't flatter urself.

I don't know this man but I'd be willing to bet he, too, uses terms like "SEO" and "SEM"

"Open Heart Collection" text convo with Megan

Megan: Look what beautiful ornament I found :)

Me: LMAO!!! NOOOOOO where did u find that?!?

Megan: Hahaha at a store in NC.  It's a whole "open heart" series of ornaments.

Me: Omfg that woman doesn't stop!!

Megan: I was so tempted to buy it for you but I figured I probably shouldn't contribute to that woman's awful idea and artwork!

Me:  It's so funny u say that bc when I showed my mom ur pic she said she had ALMOST bought me the necklace as a gag gift this year but couldn't spend the $ for something I'd NEVER wear

BACKSTORY: A hobby of mine and Megan's is referencing this dreadful collection and the even worse commercial where we're forced to watch Jane Seymour draw her design over and over (and over) again for no apparent reason.  Seriously, what is she doing with those drawings?!?

"Saturday Paul" text convo with Maryam

Me: [pic sent] Look what Saturday Paul did

Maryam: Hahah awesome.  Oh wow...the base isn't even against the wall! And the bowl is on the floor...HAHAHA love it.  I guess tequila makes paul hulk.

Me: HAHAHA right??  I heard it & was like paul what'd u do? He's like nothin & I round the corner to find that...LAST thing I expected.  I like to imagine he was like "fuck this sink!"

Maryam: Hahahaha..Lets see his reaction in the morning...When the sink is suddenly much lower.

Me: HAHAHA I fucking can't wait.  I wish I had a camera.  I should just sleep in the shower.

BACKSTORY: My roommate Paul earned the nickname "Saturday Paul" when he put on an AMAZING show for all of us at a Saturday Cubs game after 5-too-many jack & cokes.